When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Just me?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it