holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.