I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
lol
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.