My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
You Might Also Like
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.