besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
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Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*