Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.