i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.