Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.