Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids