My dryer is celebrating lint.
You Might Also Like
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
crochet youtube is brutal
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Name this drama.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it