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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.