ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
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do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
i did the math
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.