Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”