Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy