Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.