Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.