This is true.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Well, this explains it:
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor