Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.