Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…