I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Smooooooth
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.