Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.