Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
You Might Also Like
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.