I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
You Might Also Like
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”