Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
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If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
January has been Januweary
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*