[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.