Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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