Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
spot the difference
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.