[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP