Spring cleaning checklist…
You Might Also Like
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”