a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
You Might Also Like
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Breaking news:
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Dead sexy!!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff