How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
yes… yes…
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home