It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy