If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*seductively corrects your posture*
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
They’re the worst 😩
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The old gods are rising again.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question