my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
wtf management?!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My safe word is Worcestershire
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.