Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
philosophical skeletons be like
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?