Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
#Caturday
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
when dads have a rap battle
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf