Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.