[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Are we there yet?…
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream