Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*