Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
You Might Also Like
“i miss shittin on people”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.