Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.