I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
You Might Also Like
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo