*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
haha same
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’d hang this in my house.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.