stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.