Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
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Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.