“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
the three branches of government
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not