[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.