[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Got him!
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.