ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.