*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Pikachu found the lost joint
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.